I'm Constantine Constipation. That's a pretty fancy first name. I think my parents gave it to me because they were sort of ashamed of our last name. And therein lies my power.

Millions of you folks are plagued with me either occasionally or chronically. But you are ashamed to talk about me or consult anyone for help. That's to my advantage. As long as that attitude prevails, I can stay around indefinitely and change my status from Occasional Connie to Chronic Constance.

I am Matt the Migraine and I am the worst headache known to man. Some people refer to me as a "sick headache." If I have ever visited you, then you know my symptoms. Many times I start my show by creating flashing lights, and dizzying distortion of vision for my victims.

This physiological, psychedelic display is just a warm up for my next act. I then come on with a pain in the head that is so intense that it often produces nausea. And I am not just a flash-in-the-pan act. I can linger on and on for many painful, excruciating hours, or even days.

I'm Raymond Rheumatism, and when I run riot in your body you generally writhe with pain. Unfortunately for many of you, I am accepted as an inevitable part of advancing age, or as a family inheritance.

Maybe I had better identify myself a bit. Basically, I'm a painful condition of the joints and muscles, caused by inflammation in those areas. Inflamed joints do not produce the proper amounts of lubricating fluid; then old Raymond Rheumatism can start his act. I should say acts, because I have a painfully interesting variety.

I'm Newt Neuritis, but if someone is looking for a shorter name for me, they can just call me Pain. That is my principle symptom - pain.

I start with irritation along a nerve, often accompanied by sensations of burning and tingling. Then as my pain progresses to a more extreme form, numbness may set in, sometimes followed by paralysis, loss of reflexes, and a general wasting away of muscular strength.

I'm Curtis the Spinal Curvature, and i'm crooked! I'm a slow worker, but I usually wind up making you feel bad and making you look bad - and if I'm left uncorrected, I can create serious health problems for you. I am especially good at making you hurt in you shoulders, arms and legs.

I'll make you look bad because your posture will be bad. You have an equal number of ligaments and muscles attached to each side of your spine, and radiating out in opposite directions. Normally these muscles contract or relax with an equally balanced force, and everything is fine.

I'm Arthur Arthritis. I hang out in joints and cause trouble. I'm probably responsible for more constant suffering than any other ailment. And, frankly, I get credit for more pain than I actually cause.

You may hear that a majority of people, after reaching age 40, can expect to encounter me in one form or another. You'll be told that there's no cure for me. All this, frankly makes it easier for me to operate.

I am Stan Stomach Trouble and I pride myself on the fact that no one - and I mean literally no one - escapes my discomfort at some time or other during his lifetime. For many people I am a recurring misery that renders them not only uncomfortable but ineffective in their work.

The stomach is not a very glamours organ. Actually, it is simply a pouch at the lower end of your esophagus, in which most of all the vital digestive processes begin. Gastric juices must be secreted in the proper quantity and quality. Different juices have special jobs to perform. A constant series of muscular contractions churns the foods and blends them with gastric juices.

I'm Carl the Cold, some times called Carl the Common Cold, but I can be the most uncommonly, unpleasant thing that happens to most of you in the winter and sometimes other seasons. And I'm not only unpleasant, I'm a repeater. If you have me in once, I'll almost surely visit you again - always without invitation.

Let me explain myself. Basically, I'm an inflammation in the nasal cavities, the throat, and sometimes the nasal sinuses. I pride myself on the obnoxious nature of my symptoms. I will leave you wheezing, sneezing, coughing, and reaching constantly for the Kleenex. My nasal discharge usually starts off lightly, but it may build overnight into a really distracting and painful consistency.

Unless you are very young, you have heard the soong about "the strange click clack in the back of my sacroiliac." I sound pretty simple in the song. In reality I'm fairly complicated and I'm definately painful. One thing going for you, though, I don't generally just "come on." I have a definite cause, and when found I can be tossed out on my sacroiliac.

I was about to tell you to consult your Doctor of Chiropractic, but I'm getting ahead of my story. I'll leave that until I tell you a bit more about myself.

I'm Leo Lumbago, and if you are more than 40 years old, I may have already been around several times to cause you severe muscular pain on the lower part of your back. If this is the case, the chances are good that I will be back to plague you with distressing frequency - unless you do something about me.

Technically, I am a severe muscular contraction of one of the large muscles in the lower back. Usually, however, my name is applied to all forms of severe pain in the lower back. But I don't mind taking the extra credit.